My Biggest Regret
by messenger394
Summary: *Civil War Spoilers* Bucky wants to tell Steve something really important.
If you had asked Bucky Barnes where he would be at this very moment seventy years ago he probably would have said dead. If you had asked him thirty years ago... Well you never would have gotten the chance because his hands would have been around your throat and you'd be dead within the next few minutes. If you had asked him two days ago he would have said he'd be sitting in his shitty apartment eating a plum.

If you told any of these variations of Bucky Barnes that he would be standing in an elevator with Steve, his Steve, about to go head to head with a bunch of enhanced Hydra soldiers in the twenty first century, he would have laughed in your face... Or killed you, either is a possibility.

This Bucky Barnes, who's so much different than the man he was seventy years ago, who has seen and done things no man was ever meant to see or do, and who loves Steve Rogers so much that at times it makes his chest hurt, never thought he'd be getting this chance.

His feelings for Steve were what returned first. He longed for things he didn't even remember yet, wanted for a relationship that he wasn't even sure was real. Do you know what it's like to dream every night about someone you don't even know? Bucky does. Once the memories started coming back it became hard for him to differentiate between what was real and what was a dream. After a while he was able to piece together the timeline. As far as love stories go it kind of sucks. It really isn't much of a love story at all.

When they were younger, not kids but maybe in their early teens, Steve would get incredibly weak. He'd barely be able to stand, have coughing fits that went well into the night, and he'd be cold, oh he'd get so cold sometimes Bucky would worry about hypothermia even though it was the middle of the summer. It was those nights that made Bucky fall in love. It was crawling into Steve's tiny bed, pulling him close to his chest. It was lying awake at night listening to him breathe, absolutely terrified that the next breath would be his last. It was Steve's tiny body fitting just right into his. It was Steve's hands curled into shirt as he slept. It was Steve, Steve and Bucky.

Bucky yearned for him for years, but he never did anything about it. He didn't utter a word about his feelings to anyone, especially not Steve. When he was deployed it only got worse. When you get used to sharing a bed with someone it's hard to get used to sleeping on the cold hard ground of the forest floor or a tiny cold bunk bed. No amount of pretty girls could make up for the loss Bucky felt in his chest every time he crawled under the sheets. No amount of kisses could replace the sound of Steve's laugh. He regretted not saying anything before he left for the war, especially considering the chances of him actually making it home got slimmer and slimmer as the days went on.

Then he was given his first second chance. He was captured by Hydra, down on his luck and positive that he was on the last leg of his life when his little tiny Steve showed up to rescue him, only he wasn't so little anymore. Bucky should have kissed him right then and there, but he didn't. And selfishly, it's the biggest regret of his life. Despite having killed people and ruining hundreds of lives, missing out on that opportunity has always been and will always be his biggest regret.

Now, he's staring into Steve's aged blue eyes, eyes that belong in the body of a ninety year old. He looks just as beautiful as he did the day Bucky fell. There's less than two feet between them. It would be so easy to just close the gap. Steve may be bigger than him now, but it doesn't stop Bucky's need to wrap his arms around him like he used to when they were just those two kids in Brooklyn.

"Buck..." Steve interrupts his thoughts. It's only then that Bucky realizes he was staring at his mouth. "Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?" He tries to play dumb, tries to keep the emotions, the regret out of his voice, but he knows he fails.

"Like we're about to die." Steve's eyes are locked on his. Those eyes make Bucky want to gush out every mushy feeling he's ever had for the man, yet somehow he holds it in.

"Hate to break it to ya buddy, we may be enhanced but that doesn't mean we're immortal. Being the super geriatrics that we are isn't going to stop a bullet to the brain or a well thought out punch. That's what these guys were trained for."

"I know Buck, but you looking at me like that never ends well." Bucky finally tears his eyes from Steve's and stares at a spot just above his right shoulder. Should he say something now? Even if he wanted to, Steve doesn't let him. "The last time you looked at me like that we got on board a train that you didn't walk off of. That day was the biggest regret of my life, so don't you dare make me regret this one too."

Bucky chuckles but there's no humor in it. He reaches over and presses the emergency stop button that's positioned at Steve's hip. He's still chuckling as he does it. He probably looks insane, probably sounds it too. He hasn't laughed much in the seventy years they've been apart so the sound is foreign on his tongue. But hey, if anyone has the right to be a little insane it's Bucky.

As the elevator comes to a loud and grinding halt, Steve braces an arm against the wall for balance and says "What are you...?"

"Just..." Bucky cuts him off. "Give me a minute." His hand is still on the button, and at this angle they're so close Bucky can feel Steve's breath on his cheek. He steps back a little, just enough that he can clearly see the other man's face. How does he start it? How does he say the one thing he's wanted too for more than a lifetime?

"Your biggest regret," He finally starts. "was the day I... The old me, died. My biggest regret is the day I lived."

"Buck..." Steve says, his eyes look so sad. They look like they've seen the world and there's nothing good left in it.

"Before you go getting all weepy, just let me finish first. Is that too much to ask Stevie?" Steve rolls his eyes, but nods his head in agreement anyway.

"It wasn't because I lived, it was because I wasn't living. There's a difference between being alive and living, and I did the former. At least I was the day you found me at that Hydra base and I didn't kiss you right then and there." Having finally said it, it takes a load off Bucky. He feels twenty pounds lighter and all it took was that one statement.

"Buck don't do this now... Not like this."

"No Steve, we're doing this now. Do you know how many times I walked into a war zone, how many times I let you walk into a war zone without saying it? Without telling you that I loved you? This could be it for us Steve, and I'm not walking into this fight without you knowing. The universe has given me too many chances already, and I won't pass it up again."

"The day you left, I wanted to tell you then." Steve says, "But I thought a handsome guy like you, who could get any gal he wanted would never go for a skinny little thing me." He visibly swallows. Bucky can tell he's nervous because when he is, he starts to breathe like he did when he used to be on the verge of an asthma attack. Even now that little kid from Brooklyn is still in him.

Bucky reaches up with his non-metal hand, and brushes his knuckles against the soft skin of Steve's cheek. "I wanted you even when I wasn't sure you'd make it through the night."

At that Steve's breath hitches, and Bucky slides his hand from his cheek to wrap around his neck and close the space between them. One of Steve's hands goes around Bucky's waist and pulls their bodies impossibly closer, while the other goes up to curl in his long hair. It's everything Bucky ever wanted. Maybe a little different because Steve isn't half his size anymore, but still the most incredible thing he's ever experienced in his life. He could kiss Steve until the world ended, but unfortunately that day won't be today.

Steve is the first to pull back. They're both breathing heavy and grinning like idiots. Bucky rests his forehead on Steve's before reaching around and pressing the stop button.

They stay like that until the elevator comes to a stop and Steve says, "Let's go kick some nazi ass."


End file.
